I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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