i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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