I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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