Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
