:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
