also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
