Just took my morning after pill in the library
you mean i was at the winter classic?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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