this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
