he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
