A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
