your parents love me but you hate me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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