dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
