Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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