We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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