Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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