Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
