you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
