I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am available for nakedness
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