I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
