Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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