My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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