There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
