I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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