Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
