I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
