im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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