Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
