I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
