i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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