RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
