Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
