my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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