i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
