Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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