If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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