WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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