I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
