The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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