there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
