drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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