You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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