her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
