I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
