i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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