If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
