I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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