I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
