i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
