Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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