I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
